A Call to Action (Figures): Haunted Action Figures

Over the last few months, I’ve been noticing a strange strain of articles popping up at various pop culture news sites (okay, mostly Buzzfeed) about haunted dolls. They culminated in this article, where the author bought her own haunted doll and took it into the Buzzfeed offices to the consternation and amusement of her fellow Buzzfeeders. It got me thinking, what about haunted action figures?

The relationship between dolls and action figures is a bad one. “Nice dolls,” said every original and very funny and creative person to an action figure collector. Even their mother’s laughed, and if it’s funny enough for a high school athlete, it’s funny enough for us. But the relationship is contentious at best, and it turns out that ghosts feel the same way.

When I tried to get a haunted action figure for my apartment (without mentioning it to my roommates, one of who worked at a haunted library), I found that while ebay is full of haunted dolls, there aren’t any haunted action figures. And to that, I say, “Hey ghost, aren’t action figures cool enough to be haunted by you?” To which the ghost doesn’t answer because this whole “haunted” dolls, beanie babies, and whatever thing is a sham.

Our society has a ghost obsession (flip through the TV Guide and see how many variations of grown men running around with night vision goggles trying to interpret what name a floor creek is saying there are and then try to tell me I’m wrong). I’m open to the possibility of ghosts. What I don’t believe is that ghosts would haunt an entire doll collection without a single G.I. Joe or Boba Fett sneaking in.

And what a fruitful coincidence that all of these ebay sellers have whole collections that are so haunted they need to sell them for a 10% plus markup over what the doll would be worth unhaunted. They most certainly want to give the ghost inside the doll (tethered to it?) a good home. And of course, everyone knows the goodness or badness of a home for a spirit can only be determined by the buyer’s maximum bid price. Everyone knows that the more money a person has, the better home they’ll make for a ghost. That was the moral of The Exorcist.

To these swindlers, please make up some haunted action figures too. They can be as creepy as dolls if you make up a good enough story, and they’re way more fun to play with.

A Call to Action (Figures) is a weekly column published on Wednesdays, chronicling my rants and raves about all things action figure. Next week I’ll be talking about wrestling action figures!

What do you think of haunted action figures? Are ghosts being stuck up? Do you want to buy my haunted Anubis for the low price of $99.99? Let me know in the comments!